Addicted to Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t something we’re born with; it’s learned. Here’s how it works: without knowing it, you practice, hone and justify the skill until society pats you on the back for it. Before long, it isn’t something you are doing, but a way of being in the world — a chronic fear of failure that drives you to do more, better. So, you micromanage. You fix. You prove and people please. You are always performing and assuming judgment. You set impossible goals for yourself and others. You criticize. You self-beat. You don't trust yourself and so you don’t trust anyone. You live in fear of failure. You reject feedback. You can't tolerate mistakes. You refuse to ask for help from anyone. You worry. You get anxious. You beat yourself up. You get sick. You burn out. You lose friends. You lose jobs. You lose yourself.
According to Brené Brown, “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” It’s not the same as striving. Perfectionism says that if you DO not do it ____ enough (insert any adjective here: “smart”, “fast”, “beautiful”, etc.), you ARE not enough. Perfectionism is never about perfecting things or tasks; it’s about perfecting the self. Which, of course, is not possible. And yet we can’t help ourselves. Perfectionism calls to us like a drug. It tantalizes us with fantasies of satisfaction and achievement. It celebrates our futile attempts at attaining the impossible. It threatens us with shame and unworthiness. And it demands our obedience...or else.
But the perfectionist is, ultimately, doomed. Author Anne Lamott notes that “perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.” It is an unreachable destination that keeps us stuck in the struggle with no hope of arriving. And it’s expensive. It has cost me my body - 43 years of pushing and perfecting has landed me with more chronic pain than I know what to do with. It has cost me work and professional development due to my rigid discipline, high standards, unforgiving management style. It has cost relationships that have been lost to busy-ness, my sense of urgency and relentless ambition. And it cost me my marriage because I could not believe in unconditional love and, therefore, I could not give it. Perfectionism has cost me much more than I’ve gained in its pursuit, and I’m only learning now how to recover.
The real function of perfectionism is to maintain control and power. It dictates what we get to avoid, what we get to feel, what we get to believe. It allows us to comply and uphold the limiting stories and lies that we tell ourselves about ourselves. And it operates like an addiction. Nikki Myers, yoga therapist and addictions recovery specialist, says that “addiction is the disease of the lost self” and that anything used to escape a perceived intolerable reality (like failure) is something that could possibly turn into an addiction. Addiction is a constant and pervasive reminder that something is demanding our attention and until we address it, we will remain stuck in suffering. But the suffering becomes familiar, even preferable to its alternative. And we end up engaging in our own oppression and the oppression of others — giving in to a paradigm that says we are not enough and then profits from our not-enoughness.
Perfectionism thrives on not-enoughness — an impossible and unrealistic standard that doesn't just measure performance but measures our perceived worthiness. But feeling worthy is not just positive thinking, it’s life or death. Melody Moore, licensed psychologist and founder of Embody Love Movement, says “at its root, perfectionism is about survival. It’s a mechanism that we unconsciously solidify (often in early childhood) to stave off the terror of being too much or not enough. We believe, in our bodies and in our unconscious minds, that being ‘perfect’ is necessary for us to be in connection, to be fed, to be held.” That’s why addressing perfectionism isn’t as simple as changing one’s mind. It must be dealt with in the body.